Our survey of Rochdale couples reveals cryptocurrencies are now the top reason for removal from dinner party guest lists.

In our extensive survey, which we quickly conducted in Rochdale Town Centre whilst folks are still allowed to swear, we identified that cryptocurrencies are the primary reason why you would drop off a Rochdale dinner party guest list. Cryptocurrencies narrowly edge ahead of second placed “talks about their buy to let portfolio” and maintain a healthy lead, despite a late surge, over third placed “thinks it’s alright to fine beggars”.

Shelly and Anna Wonders, who moved here from Hebden Bridge, said: “You’d think a lad with the nickname Mikey Fingers would be right up our street wouldn’t you? Especially with the rumours about what he can do with a chocolate bar! But oh no. We had him round, and before we’d even got through the fish starter, he’s chirping some utter bilge about how he’s bullish on Verge XVG.”

“Honestly, when we were younger, something with a daft name like that would be what you had to get off your nut in a warehouse. Then we get some nonsense about how he wishes he’s been in some fund called Pantera or some shite like that, which has apparently made 25,000% and isn’t a band. Oh and Ethereum, that’s the other one. £6K he’s made on those magic coins he reckons, not that he’s actually selling that yet as he’s no need to grow the tulips till next year.”

“Oh and get this, after Ripple apparently not being his ice cream choice, well excuse us, he’s then pissing around with some app when he should have been having a civilised evening playing a card game where we make jokes about dead Jews.”

The Wonders miss the days of Mikey’s buy to let portfolio, because at least that gave them some funny stories about horrible tenants. They fully expect the Poundshop Gordon Gekko to demand a taxpayer bailout when it all goes tits, just like he did when he should have lost the money he had in an Icelandic bank.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?