Two mortgage lenders have announced that from 2018 they will accept the harvested organs of buyers with small deposits in a bid to attract first-time buyers.

Yorkshire Building Society has introduced a new two-year fixed rate mortgage for buyers who are prepared to have internal organs removed and sold to alcoholic billionaires in the US and China.

The rate, 3.39%, is amongst the lowest on the market and is accessible to first-time buyers who are under the age of 23, have never drunk alcohol and are still virgins.

The deal also comes with £500 cashback for buyers who are prepared to part with both kidneys.

Virgin Money has also reduced the rate on fixed mortgages for those prepared to donate their retinas and bone marrow. They are also offering £300 cashback if you’re prepared to have the bone marrow removed without anaesthetic.

What are you waiting for? Get yourself a deal today!

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.