US President Donald Trump joined the list of animals capable of self-awareness yesterday, following reports that he may have finally recognised himself in a mirror.
It is understood that White House staff were first alerted to the development in the early hours of the morning, a short time after Trump’s daily Twitter dump.
Secret Service agents are reported to have rushed into the President’s bedroom after hearing crashing sounds coming from within, only to discover him sitting on the edge of the bed weeping over the shards of a broken mirror.
“We couldn’t work out what was going on at first but then we heard him whining, ‘That’s me, it’s been me all along’,” said one staffer, who asked to remain anonymous.
“He used to regularly complain to the Secret Service about the ‘ugly fat old bastard’ who liked to watch him through his bathroom window each morning, not realising that he was actually looking into a mirror, so I guess something finally clicked.
“When you’ve spent so long imagining that you look like some sort of Greek god, only to discover that you actually resemble an out-of-date pumpkin that’s been left to rot in the sun, it’s going to hit you pretty hard”
The situation is said to have deteriorated rapidly when Trump saw footage of himself on the morning news show ‘Fox & Friends’, and White House staff were forced to intervene when he tried to rip the television off the wall and throw it out of the window.
“He kept on screaming ‘I sound so STUPID!’ and ‘Why don’t I know how to use words properly?!’,” said the staffer.
“We knew it was only a matter of time before he found videos of his rallies on YouTube, so we actually had to cut the internet connection for a while until we got a doctor out to sedate him.”
Behavioural scientist Dr. Steve Gooding told the Herald that although self-awareness is relatively rare in the animal kingdom, it is something that most humans tend to develop at an early age.
“The Mirror Self-Recognition Test is often used to establish self-awareness in animals, and at present only a few non-human species are known to be truly self-aware,” he said.
“Humans normally develop self-recognition by the time they are two years-old, so I can only imagine how distressing it must be for a 71 year-old man to suddenly realise who the fuck he actually is.
“Here you’ve got an individual who’s been living under the perception that he is handsome, successful, articulate and incredibly intelligent, suddenly discovering that he’s actually a bloated, pig-ugly moron incapable of forming a coherent sentence, a failed businessman who’s managed to bankrupt pretty much everything he’s ever touched, and a sex pest whose wife will only go near his piggly-little penis because he’s still got a bit of a money in the bank.
“I would take pity on the poor man were he not such an utter cunt-basket.”
Hopes that the President’s new-found self-awareness would lead to stability in the White House were dashed, however, when he gave a speech ‘recognising’ Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, prompting many observers to suggest that he just go back to sitting in the corner of the room throwing shit at passers-by.