The First Secretary of State, essentially Theresa May’s deputy, is facing an investigation by his Mum into allegations that copies of the Conservative manifesto was found on a computer under his bed at home.

Mrs Green, Damien’s Mum, who examined the computer yesterday evening has now told The Rochdale Herald she discovered a copy of the Conservative manifesto on his personal laptop hidden under his bed along with an old tube sock and some Anchor Butter Spreadable.

Mrs Green has insisted that she can’t be sure Damien Green had been reading the manifesto, but said: “I know that he watches a lot of porn, who doesn’t? But I had no idea he was choking the chicken over revisions to the policy on Corporation Tax reduction.”

“I was prepared for just about anything but I really hadn’t expected anything as perverse as this.”

“It turns out that in between doing normal stuff like watching 21 year olds spit on each other’s genitalia while masturbating into an old ski sock full of butter he was reading about means testing pensioners for the winter fuel allowance and scrapping the triple lock on the state pension.”

“I don’t even know what that means but it sounds filthy.”

Damien has insisted that he was only looking at hardcore pornography on the computer:

“The computer might have been in my room, under my bed, on a red box full of Conservative policy agenda documents.”

“It also might have been logged in with the policy for scrapping school lunches for children on the home page but I promise that I was using it exclusively for masturbating over footage of women’s feet.”

“There’s nothing weird about that.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.