The world has been quivering with excitement over President Trump’s possible impeachment for some time now, like Kim Jong-Un’s stubby digit over a big red button.

Now it appears satsuma face (well it is nearly Christmas) has finally revealed what sized ball of twine he has been pawing at and just how tightly knotted it has become around his spam-like neck.

Since the removal from certain Twitter accounts of the famous blue tick, the President has been pouting with envy.

The Rochdale Herald managed to gain access to his secret bunker at the par five 15th somewhere near Mar-a-Lago.

After missing his 20th shot while stood in the giant trap, Trump let out a mighty wail. “I’m clearly not racist enough to have my tick removed. What kind of white, rich, amoral KKK lover do I have to show everyone I am for Twitter to hate me?

“Hey, Token and you, Pedro Brown-Eye! Come up with a way of making me look more white supremacist!

“And get my daughter on the phone, this Viagra’s not gonna shift itself.”

He then appeared to have a moment of enlightenment (although that may have been the Viagra). When asked what his plans were, he shifted awkwardly on his driver and replied “I need to find some girl, some great girl, that’s been doing great things in a Great country. Like Great Britain. Only not in Great Britain, outside Great Britain.

“Yes. Jayda Fransen. She’s been in Belfast, in the County of Eastern North Ireland. Telling the whites to ask the Muslims if they’re Protestant Muslim, or Catholic Muslim.

“She’s the future. She’s the one I must retweet.”

With that, he packed himself into his oversize golf buggy and headed off, forgetting that he’d tied it up to a tree. All of us watching patiently as the circle of rope on the floor got smaller and smaller…..