Fears are growing for the safety of shiny mannequin Peter André, after he failed to appear on the cover of this month’s OK Magazine.

Concerned readers had to make do instead with an extra from Hollyoaks, taking them on an exclusive tour of his newly refurbished outside toilet.

André and any woman he is currently rutting with, like a horny little Australian stag, have appeared on every cover of the Magazine since records began. Rumours are spreading that he has finally run out of aspects of his existence to monetise.

With his lovely wife Emily unable to be impregnated by him again until she sheds this year’s skin, and Andre himself having just had a new coat of wax and the skin on the back of his head tightened, it is believed that they will be devoid of income until the spawning season.

The hope is that readers will then be able to see exclusive photographs of the conception.

A vicious bidding war between Hello and Ok! magazines has started, with both offering huge sums to provide the turkey baster.

Satire Aid is back!Visit the Satire Aid website.

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High mistress of the underworld, destroyer of souls, collector of small pottery cats. Also one of the country's premier frock enthusiasts.