Leading MP Pete Who speaks out after being named in the Dirty Dossier.

The Member of Parliament for Goveshire West, Pete Who, has given a public statement after being named in the so called “Dirty Dossier”. The “Dirty Dossier” as readers may be aware is the family newspaper friendly version of what Westminster sources term the Shitty Spreadsheet of Shits being Shit Sexually.

Who is named as having engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct with a number of female researchers, a member of his constituency married to a local journalist, a minor member of the Royal Family, and a bull mastiff. It is not clear at the time of going to press whether these were separate incidents.

Speaking today at a press conference, Pete Who read out the following statement:

“As with all cases of alleged sexual misconduct, it is imperative that we move the focus away from supposed victims. Erasing the memory of them is the best way to avoid putting them under undue stress. However, it is of fundamental import that we preserve the reputation of Parliament for what it is.

“As such, I am more than happy to go on record. First, I would note that some stories you may or may not hear about Members of Parliament are clearly Fabricanted. The notion that we must all pay the price for things we may or may not have done whilst sloshed, whilst wearing a comedy clown wig, or both, is a foul one.

“I accept, however, that on several occasions, with the full, unreserved, implicit deemed consent of participants, I have squeezed the breasts of a number of women over the course of the last few years. I have done so, on some occasions silently and on some occasions whilst making the noise “a ha hee ha hee” akin to a clown horn, and on other occasions, and mark my words for these have great import, I have been silent but I have detected the breasts themselves emitting this “a ha hee ha hee” sound.”

“Hold still. Let me put my hand on your knee to steady you. There we go dear, see? This was of course all as part of research for a book I am in the process of writing.”