The government is set to introduce legislation preventing the creation of new celebrity Chefs, after pretentiousness levels in the UK became toxic.
It is believed that the trigger point came when the owner of a kebab shop in Rochdale insisted that other staff shout “Yes Chef!” whenever he calls out an order.
The man, Angelos Phillipousis, owner of Abrakebabra, had started talking loudly about using only the best locally reconstituted animal products, doing justice to the ingredients and ejecting any customers who wanted burgers cooked well done.
A government spokesman explained the reasoning for the ban, “The profession of combining ingredients has become so popular and pretentious that it is starting to have an effect on our children.
“Increasingly, we are seeing young people less interested in becoming drugged up rockstars or overpaid footballers and more wanting to viciously belittle people who haven’t toasted pine nuts properly. This has to stop.”
We spoke to a local doctor about the plans, who told us: “I spent all my adult life training and constantly learning my profession. I can literally save lives. Yet I demand less respect from my colleagues than someone who knows how to heat vegetables.
“Pound for pound it costs less for me to save a life than eat a Quinoa tasting platter out of a flat cap at T’Factory restaurant.”
The Rochdale Herald asked Gordon Ramsey to comment on the news but we were met with a simple “Fuck off!” in response to which we replied:
“Yes chef!”
