MP’s have demanded that a new dress code be brought in for their staff to make them less alluring sexually. It’s hoped that the new dress code which requires all staff members to wear burkas will cut the incidence of sexual harassment in the House of Commons.

One MP told us, “My secretary came to me as her boss and told me she was being sexually abused by me. Obviously, I conducted an inquiry into the allegations but there was insufficient evidence to link me to the harassment. The investigation had to be closed.”

Another MP said, “It’s partly my own fault. I get to choose my own assistant. I work long hours so obviously I want someone easy on the eye. If you’re going to work 13 hours straight you don’t want some chunky mumsy do you? You want the possibility of a quick fumble in the members bar.”

Another MP told us, “Burkas would be great. My assistant is a lovely pert little thing from the home counties. Ordinarily I can control myself but the other day she was wearing leggings. I just had to go and frot with her like some crazed beast. Unfortunately, she’s my niece so now my sister isn’t talking to me. If she’d had a burka on it never would have occurred to me.”

It’s understood by the Herald, that MP’s long hours and high pressured jobs make them susceptible to rubbing their erect members against their staff like a laboratory monkey on viagra.

One MP said, “You don’t understand the pressure I’m under. I was up until 11 the other night filling out my expenses form. Then my assistant came into the office with her warm golden air and pert, bouncy personality. It was as I spied her nipples through her shirt that I realised I had to have her. Obviously, I didn’t say that. I got her to go out and buy a 2 foot long dildo instead. If she’d been wearing a burka I’d have not seen her nipples and everything could have been avoided.”

It’s alleged that members will begin wearing burkas as early as next week.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.