6 lucky Daily Express readers will mark the launch of the Royal British Legions poppy appeal by machine gunning celebrities caught not wearing poppies later today.

One Express reader said, “It’s that important part of the year when we stop remembering Diana and remember the fallen. If any person fails to appear on TV without a poppy then it is right that they’re executed. Personally, I’m hoping for Gary Lineker.”

Another lucky Express reader said, “My husband doesn’t pretend to have fought in a world war so the memory of those that fell can be besmirched by Lineker or any other celebrity. Fighting Fascism was done so we could tell people what to wear in autumn. People should respect their elders and follow their wishes unquestioningly. No matter how demonstrably stupid or ill informed it is.”

The annual event often sees British patriots competing to see who can buy the biggest poppy wreath. It’s understood that in certain circles the victor of this competition will secure access to groups of patriotic females.

The current record holder for ostentatious wreaths is Pat Riot of Greater Manchester. In 2009 he famously decorated his 1988 Cavalier SRI with a poppy wreathe so expensive it was worth more than all his other possessions put together.

Following on from Poppygeddon, the Daily Mail is to launch its own version but with a Brexit theme. It’s alleged that lucky Mail readers will be allowed to shoot anybody who doesn’t say that Brexit is the best thing ever to happen. It’s thought the day to do this will be the 29th March 2019 and every March after that.

It’s alleged that remainer celebrities and academics will be herded into Wembley Stadium. They will then face a televised show trial hosted by Davina McCall and Jim Davidson. The show will conclude with lucky Mail readers being allowed to kill the ‘verminous remain scum’ using ant-aircraft guns.

One Mail reader we had planned to interview has been hospitalised with excitement.

 

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.