Hollywood bimbo, Gerard Butler has been hospitalised with anaphylactic shock his agent has revealed.
Butler, injected 13 vials of bee venom in an attempt to prevent muscle ache following filming.
A spokesman for Butler said, “Gerard did this because he is a professional. Nobody could have foreseen that bee venom in such large quantities could cause such a life threatening condition.”
The venom is alleged to have been sourced from an exotic herbalist who told Butler that the pharmaceutical industry knows about it but can’t patent it. This, Butler was told, is why the people say that bee venom is poisonous. It’s alleged that Butler paid thousands for it because the herbalist believes a personal swimming pool is a right.
After Butler had turned down the opportunity to test revolutionary new herbal remedies for life threatening reactions, his life was saved by modern medicine. Butler said, “There definitely needs to be more independent research done on the life threatening nature of substances. Nobody could have foreseen this reaction. Nobody.”
Fortunately, Septic Peg, the Heralds own medium was able to contact 16th century scientist, Paracelsus. He told us, “When I was alive I made the discovery that it isn’t the substance that poisons you but the dose.
Take Strychnine. Everyone is familiar with it as a poison from Agatha Christie novels.
Yet, my personal trainer here, Thomas Hicks, was able to win the gold medal at the 1904 Olympics after receiving two shots of Strychnine and several restorative brandies during the course of the race. It’s the dose that is the poison.
There’s an entire branch of science concerned with the deleterious effects of substances on the body. It’s called Toxicology. It isn’t a conspiracy, it’s a branch of science. Perhaps Butler should try playing a scientist in his next film.”
The incident comes a week after an Australian teenager hospitalised herself after inhaling 360 balloons of Nitrous Oxide. The girl is alleged to have told doctors that the man who sold it her told her it was safe and couldn’t harm her.
She was slightly alarmed to discover that not only is it harmful in high enough doses but there is loads of documentary evidence of its effects gathered during the 18th and 19th centuries when it was tried as an anaesthetic during surgery. This, the drug dealer is alleged to have said, is all a vast conspiracy that everyone in the 19th century was in on to stop 21st century teenagers having fun.
Fortunately for Gerard Butler, the Herald has raised the £19.99 required to buy him a baseball bat. He can then use it to batter an entire bee hive and extract as much venom as required to permanently banish any muscle ache he is suffering.
