Chocolate mega-conglomerate Mars have confirmed they are renaming ‘Share’ packs to more accurately reflect their customers’ selfish, secretive consumption style.
Advertising campaigns for the larger packs of chocolates such as M&Ms and Maltesers have tended to focus on a party atmosphere, depicting groups of friends on a road trip, at a beach party, or similar wholesome activity featuring lots of young, attractive people who have clearly not been mainlining high sugar snacks for years.
Alan Rogers, founder of London advertising agency Rogers & Rogers, who handle Mars advertising in the UK, confirmed, “Our research indicates that modern customers are starting to reject unrealistic, idealised advertising techniques and respond to being more accurately represented in our marketing.
“We are therefore launching a new range of larger packs called ‘You’re Not the Boss of Me’, ‘Stop Judging, Judgey McJudgeface’ and simply ‘Fuck You’.
“Our new advertisements feature a diverse selection of people partaking in common, everyday activities, such as impatiently ripping open a packet of Galaxy Bubbles in the supermarket car park, desperate for the short-lived hit of sugar; mindlessly grazing chocolate with one hand while browsing Facebook with the other; and hiding in the kitchen from their children while they cram illicit Minstrels into their gaping maw.”
“Let’s face it, they never were sharing packs really, it was just a way to get round that Government ‘treatwise’ bullshit. We put a resealable top on there just to shift responsibility for our crack-like substances onto you, the idiot consumer.
“The nearest we ever got to actually sharing was a couple devouring Revels while series-binging on Netflix but the packets weren’t actually big enough to make two people feel properly sick, so everyone ended up buying two anyway.”
Rogers & Rogers has been criticised recently for the potential conflict of interest after also winning the contract for the NHS’s campaign to tackle obesity, having donated a ‘significant’ undisclosed sum to the Conservative Party.
Mr Rogers denied any wrongdoing, saying, “On the contrary, I’m using a lot of the hard work done on this campaign and applying it to the government job, so actually it represents very good value.
“Honest marketing is just what we need to shake up this whole obesity thing. The slogan we’re going with is ‘Don’t bother going to the hospital when your veins are clogged with cocoa butter, as the government you voted for has de-funded it, you fat idiot’.
“I’m expecting the cheque for eleven billion any day now.”
