Just hours after the Norwegian football association ruled that female footballer’s pay must be brought in line with that of the men’s, the entire Norwegian national women’s squad has been discovered in a debauched drug-fuelled bonanza.
Photographs show the women in a mirror-lined strip club, snorting cocaine off the buttocks of male models and stuffing hundred kroner notes into the red leather posing pouches of the strippers. Another photograph shows the team’s star striker lying on a pile of money in her Norway strip and boots, lighting a cigar with a fifty kroner note while scantily-clad men pose all around her. Outside of the club, a Lamborghini lies half-submerged in the swimming pool, apparently driven there by a drunken player, while topless men around the pool laugh and drink cocktails.
The Rochdale Herald approached the manager, Leif Hirdigurden, to ask whether the players would be fined and sanctioned as a result of their actions.
“Of course not!” laughed Hurdigurden. “Equality is at the heart of the Norwegian psyche. We are extremely proud to be the first country in the world that not only pays women footballers equally to the men, but treats them equally too.
“Hence we will be turning a blind eye to their drunken antics and ensuring they can act like over-privileged teenagers well into their twenties and thirties.
“In fact, since the men have been at it for years, the women’s team have got quite a bit of catching up to do. They struggled to find enough male strippers to have a really convincing party, so the Norwegian government actually bought this club and employed all the men here.
“That way we can ensure that all the strippers are given proper employment rights and get regular sexual health checks. Everyone here pays our usual high rate of income tax, so the system pays for itself in no time.
“Even the cocaine is fairly traded from our ethically-partnered coca plantation in Colombia. It’s reassuring to know that while we’re having a party, the growers on the other side of the world are also getting a fair deal.
“Plus, you can be absolutely sure you’re getting the good shit. Do you want some?”