The FBI have reiterated that there were absolutely no clues that a bloke who bought thirty three semi-automatic rifles in one year might have been planning something.

“That’s not even one a week!” Special Agent Edgar Dyson told The Rochdale Herald.

“There really were no red flags about this guy’s behaviour to tip us off that he might have been up to something”.

“If only there had been something unusual about his behaviour that could have given us a clue that he might have been harbouring murderous intentions this tragedy could have been avoided.”

“It’s not as if he had been trying to buy unpasteurised cheese or Kinder Eggs on the internet.”

The FBI have gone on the record to say that there really is nothing that can be done whatsoever to identify arseholes who might want to shoot into crowds of civilians with fully automatic and semi automatic weapons.

“There’s nothing that we can do to identify people who might want to shoot into crowds with automatic and semi-automatic weapons. Somebody suggested that we should stop selling machine guns to people who want to buy one and put people who try to buy one on some kind of watch list. But that’s just crazy talk.”

It is still a constitutionally protected right in the USA to own and shoot as many weapons as you want but it is not a constitutionally protected right to be treated for gunshot wounds.

The important thing is that Americans are “a free people” according to the head of the NRA. Go figure.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.