After millions of tweets by gun lobbyists, alt righters and other winners at life, Congress has responded with draft gun reform proposals.
Some of the wokest anime avatared fuckheads have been banging the drum saying “but what about cars” and “but what about trucks” and “he could have driven into them like Nice so ner ner ner” for several days now.
Republican Congressman Cletus Untsworth explained “We always give our people what they want. We’d been waiting for the NRA to say something about Vegas, but, sheee-it they just darned didn’t, so we had to react to all y’all saying all y’all saw it like cars n trucks.
“So, we’re going to introduce the Exactly Like Cars Bill, or the ELC Bill for short. What that’s going to mean is that anyone who wants to use a gun will have to be a minimum age, go through a mandatory training course and be personally licenced. Misuse of their weapon will then cause them to accrue points on their licence, and potentially a loss of their rights to own a weapon.
“In addition, we will require gun users to have mandatory insurance. We discussed this with the insurance companies, and it being Exactly Like Cars, their actuaries will look at statistics for injuries and deaths involving the relevant firearm, nationwide, when setting your premium.
“Users of assault rifles, or as I like to call them, the pencil dick fanny gun for folk who can’t handle a real hunting rifle, will therefore attract a higher premium. The Exactly Like Cars Bill will also look at other aspects of your character that determine your likelihood to be involved in a compensatable incident.
“This will of course mean a considerably higher premium if you are in the higher risk groupings of being male and white, with top rates being charged if you’re also someone who likes to play dress up in tactical gear like a goddamn Walt. We also have a suggested dollar donation to the Johnny Wapping blood pressure fund if you want to lie about Chicago having tight gun laws.”
It is thought the mandatory insurance cover will ensure victims of any shooting incident who are lucky enough to survive can have the privilege of receiving the healthcare they now need as a consequence of the rights enjoyed by the shooter.
