David David MP, the Minister for Local Government was forced into the public gaze today to confirm that G4S has been awarded the coveted contract to monitor domestic waste disposal inside peoples’ homes.
The groundbreaking decision to turn what was previously a domestic matter into a profit making enterprise for private contractors has been widely celebrated by social reformers.
The Rochdale Herald’s One Man’s Trash correspondent was at the press briefing to hear David David MP speak.
“I haven’t done this before,” David stated.
He went on to tap the microphone three times, resulting in a series of booms that sounded like a rubbish truck backfiring. Then he picked up his prepared script and read like a robot.
“G4S is committed to improving the lives of the inmates on the island of Britain. They are proud to join in ever deeper partnership with the state to ensure your local government activities are completely run by a private company for the worship of the profit motive about more trifling and human considerations,”
And that wasn’t all he said. He went on to detail how the new system will work to the delight of the assembled reporters.
“From now on when you are scraping plates in your kitchen a G4S Waste Disposal Technician will be on hand to ensure you don’t accidentally put something into your trash that can’t be turned into profit by the private contractor collecting the domestic waste in your area,”
Reassuring words indeed.
A series of fines will also be introduced to encourage households to properly obey a levitation book of new regulations. This will be delivered to every home in the UK shortly.
The book is made of non-recyclable materials and it will be illegal to dispose of in any way whatsoever.
“Together we can fight the scourge of people not thinking long and hard about whether or not that used plastic bottle or tray is a profit for the company servicing your suburb. Or if they shouldn’t just eat that out of date salad in the fridge rather than risk trying to dispose of it. We will be watching.
“Remember one man’s trash is a massive company’s treasure. But not all of it. Just the bits they want!”
