As the National Audit Office revealed that homelessness of all kinds has doubled over the past 6 years, a Tory spokesman has confirmed that they are very pleased with the results.
At a press conference, he read out a statement from Number 10, “When we first announced that those on the breadline should pay the cost of the Global Financial Crises and set IDS with the task of stamping on the less well off, there were doubters even amongst our own ranks. But with the release of the today’s’ figures, we can finally claim success. At no point in history has any Tory government been able to match our prowess and speed for providing insecurity and hopelessness to so many poor people without the aid of an expansionist foreign power dropping bombs on us”
During questions, our reporter asked if increasing homelessness was really an indication of success?
To which the following explanation was given.
“The Prime Minister promised to help hard-working families. Obviously, it follows that any hard-working family will be well-off and that any family not well-off is not hard-working. Our welfare reforms motivate those that are unable to work to make themselves useful or have the rug pulled from under their feet. I’m glad to report that we have developed a culture of spite, resentfulness and a complete lack of respect for fellow humans within the Department for Work and Pensions and that anyone unable to pick up a short-notice zero-hour contract, whether it be through ill-health, disability, being unable to afford child-care or being a declared carer for another family member is deservedly shown the door. We are today promising to invest a further £550 million by 2020 to assist more shirkers of this country to rely on temporary accommodation or a draughty shop door-way.”
He paused briefly to start playing a recording of Elgar’s Enigma Variations from his phone and with a tear in his eye, shouted above the tinny music “Tory supporters up and down the country should rightfully be proud of what, together, we have achieved.”