Scientists working at Rochdale university announced Monday that they have proved the existence of supermassive black hole at the heart of the Conservative Party.
“Imagine a singularity of such intense greed and self interest that not the slightest trace of light or warmth can escape – then you’ll understand why it has taken decades to detect,” explained chief astronomer Jodrell Banks.
According to Banks such black holes typically form in the wake of some cataclysmic cosmic event during which disparate political views coalesce around a central set of core beliefs or a unifying figure.
“In this case we posit that the second world war caused certain disparate nationalist groups to come together around the core ideal of not being German and the unifying figure of Churchill,” he said, explaining that the process took some decades to reach critical mass.
“It was only with the arrival of Margaret Thatcher and the “only I matter” tendency that the “country matters” of the Macmillanite one nation faction finally evaporated, and the last gleams of the party’s soul were forever dimmed,” he explained.
Once this “anti-matter” had swallowed everything that “matters”, the party experienced gravitational collapse and the creation of an event horizon after which there was no longer any need to worry about what Churchill actually said or did, or whether what they did actually benefited the country, he explained.
“They could make up any old shit and claim Winnie said it first, then sell off any part of the family silver lying through their teeth that it was in the national interests, said Banks.
As evidence of just how dark, things have become Banks points to the recent twitter spat between Stephen Hawking, arguably the greatest living theoretical physicist, cosmologist, and possibly also philosopher, and Health minister Jeremy Hunt.
“Common sense would dictate you don’t attempt to argue facts with Stephen Hawking,” said Banks.
“Unfortunately Hunt crossed the common sense horizon some decades ago and his egosphere views the world in the light of the imaginary supernova he believes is emitted from his own oblate spheroid,” smirked Banks.
