The White House has confirmed that Donald Trump has found a weird trick to increasing attendance at his rallies.

During a speech given to Texas flooding victims Trump said, “Can you believe the size of this crowd? There must be 500,000 people over there. I can’t see the horizon it’s so great.
The fake news media will tell you that there weren’t that many people here. But you and I know that it’s the best turn out for any President.

We have the greatest flooding here ever. I’ve had to deal with this. Did Barack Obama have a hurricane this big? Did he even come and speak to Texan flooding victims? This is yuge, just like my electoral college victory last year.”

Trump was also modelling his newest line of Trump hurricane all weather wear. One man who’s lost his home revealed how he was happy with the generous 12% discount he got on a baseball cap and jacket. “I’ve lost my home and don’t really have anywhere else to go but this convention centre. I can take solace in the knowledge that I spent $35 on a hat made in China.”

The White House sought to play down rumours that Trump intends to make his next speech in Louisiana. This was immediately contradicted by Trump in a series of tweets. “Going to Louisiana Friday. This hurricane is yuge. It’s the greatest hurricane ever. It’s going to affect more states than any other hurricane. I’ll be working hard speaking to people in all affected areas.”

In other news, it’s now alleged Trump intends to make a speech to crowds in Mumbai. Trump has previously been rumoured to not wish to travel fearing small crowds. It’s alleged he now feels turnout at an Indian rally would rival that of Queen Victoria or Ghandi.

Also yesterday, the White House confirmed Trump had sent an 80,000,000 word ultimatum to Kim Jong Un. South Korean defence experts say that the North Korean military is very worried about the ultimatum. It’s alleged that the finest codebreakers in North Korea are struggling to put into words what it says.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.