It was reported today that every Robert E Lee statue in the southern states of the USA will be replaced by bronzes of obese men in mobility scooters holding semi-automatic rifles.
The move comes in order to calm social tensions enraged over the weekend when the savage alt-left attacked a group of peaceful demonstrators merely having a walk with some torches and flags to highlight the importance of freedom of speech. It’s felt a new statue in each town concerned would really help.
A design contest will be held to choose the winning template and then a Chinese foundry will be commissioned to produce each statue for the most competitive price.
While being a much more accurate representation of the modern day inheritors of the legacy of the famous American Civil War general, not everyone has welcomed the news with open arms.
Alt-right historians especially are upset over the plan to replace all the antiques Robert’s with more accurate modern representations as it will not allow them to fantasise quite so vigorously when imagining how bravely and competently they would have fought.
“How would you stage a cavalry charge with a bunch of trucks?” Prof A Lither of Charlottesville wanted to know. “You’d have whiny little left wing cuckold snowflake hippy vegetarians complaining about the damage to the grass before you so much as made it across the field and into the unarmed ranks of the alt-left fanatics. But I guess it’s not all bad, at least we’d still have an economy based on slavery. I’d love a new statue to that.”
American metal workers were similarly unimpressed with the plan to send the commission overseas, arguing that if President Drumpf had been allowed to build his famous wall already then no business that is rightly American would ever be sent offshore again merely on the financial reality of being able to complete it.
A plan to replace other statues with bronzes of very close relatives getting married under swastikas is also being considered, so that everyone who suffered at the hands of the vicious anti-fascist protesters last weekend can feel properly represented.
