The biggest bell in Britain is taking a break. The country’s favourite dong will be out of action for the remainder of Theresa May’s term of office. The Daily Mail is, predictably, furious.
“London will not be the same,” it complains as the country’s second favourite bell ends its tenure – for now.
The country’s favourite bellend, Boris Johnson, reportedly said that the distinctive dong was responsible for creating London’s image and would leave a huge gaping void when it was withdrawn.
The refurbishment is to be carried out by the world’s finest architects.
The bell himself is in fine fettle but his protective housing needs some TLC.
Regardless, the Mail is angry.
“Were there no BRITISH workers capable of repairing a BRITISH landmark?” it thunders. “Why are MIGRANTS interfering with YOUR iconic buildings?” it demands. “Expensive Health and Safety measures double YOUR contribution to the work. IT IS A NATIONAL DISGRACE THAT MIGRANT ‘EXPERTS’ RECEIVE OUR PROTECTION – and YOU are paying for it.”
The Mail and the Express allege that the silence of the clangs is meant to be a mark of respect timed to coincide with the twentieth anniversary of Princess Diana’s death.
The Palace dismissed this claim as a ‘total fabrication’ and suggested that the newspapers should ‘stop banging on about the crazy dead woman and just get over it’.
The Mail goes on to urge the government to speed the Brexit process by any available means.
“This ghastly scenario is only possible because EU rules force us to consider possibly illegal foreign workers to perform the refurbishment. We MUST leave the EU NOW to prevent this disaster from recurring.”
Boris Johnson is not being refurbished. He is a knob who would shaft his own grandmother if it was to his advantage. He is truly the Willy Of The People.
