You heard it here last. Internet expert in everything and porn enthusiast @JailbaitPlanet has scandalised so called “experts” and “professional historians” by revealing in a compelling YouTube video that the Roman Empire was more than 50% black.

Speaking from his mum’s house in front of a map of the Roman Empire thought to be from circa 117AD, i.e. around the time of Trajan’s death, he explained:

“So called experts like Mary Beard have cited isolated examples of blackness in Roman Britannia. But she’s a professional historian with an agenda. She wants you to think it was isolated. She wants you to think there is something that isn’t perfectly obvious, to trick you into pursuing expensive university courses, when you could just sponge off your mum and smoke loads of fags.”

“Look at this map though. It’s obviously a map of a large expanse of land, and whilst it takes in much of Northern Africa and extends some way down the Nile, it’s mainly the Northern Hemisphere. It is not sub-Saharan Africa and it is therefore nowhere near the Equator.”

“Therefore, as any fool knows, the days would have been shorter than the nights, and blackness would have been in the ascendancy. Ps I hate you Mike Stuchbery, you’re mean.”
@JailbaitPlanet then proceeded to show a series of paintings that weren’t contemporaneous as evidence.

“Look at this. “The Forum at Midnight” by J.R. Hartley. What do you notice? Yes. It’s dark isn’t it? Fact.” And here’s “Night Guards at the Wall” by A. Salmond. Dark, like darkest Scotland. Who can argue with these facts?”

Professor Beard gently tried to explain he may have missed the point but was interrupted by some mathematician shouting “Berbers were white, Libyans were white, Cleopatra looked like Elizabeth Taylor, but some Swans are Black and Night is black, I know genetics because I, erm, never studied it but I can add and subtract, reeee, reee, Kek will eat your soul.”

In other news, there were lots of black people in the Roman Empire, and some of them lived in Britain.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he’s read the article?