Why’s it always the soft kid that wants to act hard?
Look at him. He’s the lad you thought was a prick at school but you still went round his house because he had a decent back garden for you to leck footy in. Except he was shit at it, and had right bad hayfever.
He’s the lad you thought too fat to pull, yet somehow he managed to turn up to prom with some bird you’d never met before, that definitely wasn’t from round here, and he said his dad introduced him to, I mean, basically, the kid took a prossie to his end of school dance, you know what I mean like, look at that fat shit, you know he did.
Then somehow, they vote him in. I mean, I’ve met some stupid fucking fat American shite for brains in my time, but they aren’t all like that. No, I mean, much like I know decent people that voted for Brexit, who’d die for their country, well, they voted this guy because they thought he was incorruptible. I mean it sort of makes sense don’t it, he’s rich, so you can’t buy him.
But, the problem is, he’s also rich so he’s used to getting his own way. So when some other fat knacker from Korea, who’s also used to getting his own way, says fuck you dude, then they want to fight each other. Except they don’t, and they won’t. What they will do is send other people to fight each other. Like some pair of fucking losers playing Warhammer on a global scale. Except it’s not Games Workshop, it’s real life, so stop acting like you’ve been eating lead figurines for the past 50 years you fucking bellend.
And that’s why we’re all at imminent risk of death. Not that you’d notice, because we’re so regularly at imminent risk of death that no one cares any more, except maybe using it to justify why they haven’t laid off the fags yet. Anyway, hi ho kid and away we go.
The Herald’s advice to you is to get fat enough that you collapse your arches and therefore don’t have be drafted. Other than that, we recommend you buy a flame retardant bowler hat.
When the four minute warning goes, put that on, and go for a shit, so that whatever post-apocalyptic dude finds you Fallout-style, they’ll get a good chuckle from the comedy skeleton you’ve left behind as your legacy.
