Government manicurists today rushed to Theresa May’s aid following a nail injury, frantically claiming it was merely “chipped varnish”.
As finger after taloned finger slips from the precipice, purchases of fake nails have sky rocketed. The Prime Minister’s job is not made easier by so-called colleagues trying to pull her down.
The Official Hairdresser is on permanent standby as May splits hairs over precisely what Brexit means.
This comes amid rumours that May is intending to throw her toys out of her pram if Brexit talks do not progress the way she wants. An official spokesman tried to downplay this, saying, “It’s more like spitting her dummy out.”
May’s hair may be immaculate, but attempts to conceal the grey areas have, unfortunately, been unsuccessful.
A highly trained team of aromatherapists is also on hand to eliminate the pervasive whiff of bullshit.
Unsurprisingly, this follows Michael Gove’s call to lift the public sector pay cap. Suggestions that this means that hands will reach out, cap in hand instead of merely doffing it, are accompanied by the stench of bovine manure.
Gove also said that his personal views have had to be suppressed. Gove himself was later suppressed by being sat on by the Elephant in the Room.
One bit of good news is that sales of animal waste-based fertiliser are soaring.
May has been forced to retake her driving test after an unwarranted series of emergency U-turns. Her examiner, Mr G.Public, says “I can’t tell whether it is early onset dementia taxing her, or just indecision.
“Either way, she should not be in charge of a juggernaut until her driving becomes strong and stable. I have had to fail her because her driving is frankly chaotic.”
Unconfirmed rumours persist that the Fire Service is now being properly funded in order to control an outbreak of pants on fire.
