Sir John Chilcot has stunned the world by stating again that the Pope is catholic and so it seems is Britain’s greatest wartime leader Tony Blair.

The surprising rediscovery was made in an interview with Laura Kuenssberg, who is currently moonlighting as a journalist from her full time job as a spin doctor for Theresa May.

Sir John reassuringly stated that Tony Blair was essentially running on feelings as prime minister and made simple decisions like starting a war in the way other people choose a new brand of smart phone.

Blair didn’t really do anything wrong because advertising is very powerful and can emotionally sway people without them really understanding why they make the choices that they do.

Criticism that invading another state because you really feel you want to be the bff of a wannabe cowboy who somehow found himself a president is really not fair.

Wouldn’t you have invaded Iraq if an alleged draft dodger made you feel important by giving you a bomber jacket?

All these surprising rediscoveries and more are set out in a two million word report that perhaps could be renamed “Feelings, nothing more than feelings”.

The report concisely explains how Britain found itself entangled in a seven year conflict in the Middle East, the ramifications of which are arguably ongoing, because really it felt right at the time for Blair. So that makes the loss in lives, treasure and standing alright then.

To be fair, Sir John has delivered on what must have been a gruelling task and fair play to him.

Mr Blair though is rumoured to be under pressure to tour the country and perform the report in a dance triptych so we can all better emote with how it felt to want to be George’s best friend back in 2003.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.