Charlotte, a seven year old English Bulldog, is heart broken after a new baby was born this morning in her family.
She admits to being pleased her female owner came through birthing the human puppy okay, but that’s about all.
“It’s not like I don’t bring gifts to the table. I have skills. I do tricks. I even roll in fox crap only when it’s really too fresh to resist.”
Charlotte lists her other skills as undoing knitting, cleaning the kitchen bin and excelling at chasing balls.
“Do you see babysitting in the list?” She asks our Families and Decor Correspondent.
“No. You don’t. What do babies do but suck away some of the attention I already have to compete against a flaming two year old girl for?”
Charlotte is not planning on taking the insult lying down.
“I’m going to sulk for about three days. Lie down. Head stretched forward over crossed paws. Eyes fixed to that idiot man who dragged us to this sorry place with his lack of self control.”
What if the sulking doesn’t work?
“I’ve thought about that.” Charlotte replies.
“I’m going to whine every morning. I know I’m going to be locked in the kitchen now. The kitchen is under my owners’ bedroom. They’ll bloody hear me. Don’t you worry.”
Other plans involve picking a fight with the family cat and hiding baby toys.
“I’ve considered taking a dump on the exotic rug in the living room. But that’s the nuclear option. I’ll only do that if the new arrival means I miss a walk.”
