Colonel Mustard has alleged that the housing minister, in the cabinet office, with the funding cuts caused the Grenfell fire.
The Colonel, wearing a crumpled rain mac and deerstalker hat made the allegations to the Herald today.
During a 10 minute interview he said, “Let’s look at the list of suspects. It wasn’t Mrs Peacock or Mrs White, they were in the Foreign Office at the time. It can’t have been Miss Scarlet as she was at a Momentum meeting. The Revered Green and Professor Plum were volunteering at a food bank. The only one without an alibi is the housing minister.”
The Colonel went on to say, “Now the location. It wasn’t the conservatory, flats don’t have them and anybody walking past would have been able to see anyway. It wasn’t the library as that had closed 4 years ago due to cuts. That leaves the cabinet office.
“This leads us to the method. The revolver, the dagger, the rope and the candlestick are ruled out. It simply isn’t practical to kill that many people with those.
“It’s got to be the funding cuts. The cuts meant that people were rewarded for saving money. This is understandable but led to the use of cheap building materials and corner cutting during a recent refurbishment. Once they were in place the whole place was primed like a 24 storey faggot.”
At this point the Colonel lit a Gauloise and walked towards a tube station before turning and saying, “Just one more thing. That mayor I met, Sadiq Khan, he told me he doesn’t want the fire politicising. It sounded noble until I did a bit of digging around. His previous secretary alleges he’s the last minister to have turned down proposals to install sprinklers in tower blocks.”
And with that the Colonel stubbed his Gauloise out, turned and boarded the tube back to Berkeley Square.
