The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, said “The Met have deployed extra police to reassure communities especially those observing Ramadan.”

This is the fourth time in a very short period of time where the Met have deployed extra police. On previous visits to New Scotland Yard Herald investigators attempted to find the source of these extra police. Was there a special spare copper locker? Police top brass stonewalled the question, pointing out that zinc also had a role to play in their alloy.

We then sent our investigative team to Hendon. Were the gaps being plugged by a well thought out recruitment programme? Chief Inspector Bobby McPlod said “Nah fam, there was barely any babyfaced federales to be seen.”

Confused, we headed to the Home Office for answers, and, readers, in a scoop bigger than the Daily Mail’s interview with hate preacher Tommy Robinson on the morning of this latest terror attack, boy did we get them.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd confirmed:

“Whilst we have a good track record of recruiting clean shaven white officers who are able to infilitrate the terrorist community we have no current plans to reverse the necessary cuts made to the police service by my predecessor. It is simply irresponsible to just spend spend spend like the Viv Nicholson of safety.”

“Instead, we will be deploying the tried and tested, strong and stable method of shaking the Magic Bobby Tree. This will help plug gaps in police coverage by cancelling holiday, increasing shift length, putting detectives on the streets in uniform, and frankly anything that will make it look like we have enough officers.”

“We’d like to reassure you though that we have kept a small number of officers in reserve to lead the prosecution of the tired strung out officer who accidentally shoots someone during the upcoming riots. It is important that we do what we can to uphold the culture of victim blaming espoused by our supporters in the media.”

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?