The one million protestors who were expected to topple the Tory government today collectively said “fuck this, we’re off to the pub” after temperatures in the capital hit 35C.
“We’re still really angry about the whole Grenfell thing but come on, how often do you get a day like this?” Gideon Hempseed asked the Rochdale Herald. “It’s really difficult to rage against the machine with a cold beer in your hand and pretty girls are walking about in summer dresses. I don’t know about you but I’m having a day off”
“Hopefully the Tories will still be cutting essential services next week because I really would like to give them a piece of my mind. But it’s just such a lovely day.”
Beer gardens around the capital are said to be overflowing with formerly angry Momentum activists sipping Peroni and fanning themselves with placards that say “Down with this sort of thing” and other meaningful slogans.
“Have you tried toppling a corrupt regime when it’s almost 40C outside?” Sunflower Honeywell, a Social Media Studies Student at Kings College told us. “No wonder the Italians put up with government corruption. It’s just too bloody hot to have riot.”
The Day of Rage protests which were scheduled to coincide with the Queen’s Speech wilted in the face of seasonally warm weather with most activists opting to either sit in the garden with their feet in a bucket of cold water or lie in the park eating ice cream.
“Whoever planned this Day of Rage thing has obviously never been to Royal Ascot” Quentin Fortesqueue, editor of The Rochdale Herald told us. “It’s always a scorcher this week, it’s so hot today they let me take my hat off in the Royal Enclosure. You wouldn’t catch me running around in a balaclava on a day like today. You’d definitely die. More champagne?”
There are rumours of another Day of Rage being planned for the end of September when it’s a bit cooler.
