A Rochdale man woke up Monday morning to his Eye of the Tiger alarm clock, punched the air, and said let’s get to work.

Trevor Duckworth, 43, was full of vigour, after a brilliant weekend. The weather actually stayed decent, he barbequed in his shorts, had some friends round, and Janet didn’t even tell him off when he stuck his head in the garden water butt to cool down.

Some beers were had, and a bit of leisure time left Duckworth feeing more relaxed than he has felt in years.

On arriving at the office Monday, he said, “Great weekend boys, I am so stoked, I am literally going to get shit done.”

Colleague Damien Gallagher said “He seemed so enthusiastic, I didn’t think he meant literally literally. He’s been in and out of the disabled loo all day today.”

Damien wasn’t the only colleague to hear Duckworth’s declaration with a skeptical ear.

Team Leader Gracie Fobsworth has heard it all before.

“I remember the last time the mercury nudged thirty degrees on a weekend. It was a few years ago. It was the same then. He punched the air Monday morning and declared he was going to sort out that backlog. We didn’t see him all day afterwards. He went straight into the loo then too.”

Duckworth confirmed to the Herald that the disabled loo is actually the coolest place in the building, and he’s been popping in to enjoy the cool faux marble on his bare feet.

“Well that, and I’m dealing with the beer sweats, the beer shits, and come to mention it, I don’t know why I let Tony do those sausages because he hasn’t a bastard clue how to BBQ.”

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he’s read the article?