The last person who is yet to be investigated whether or not they were mis-sold PPI has been found, bewildered, but alive.
After years of searching by PPI claims companies the lone man, Nigel Colinson, has been found alive and well living in a ramshackle caravan on the remote Scottish island of Muck.
It is believed that the island’s population has swelled by 3000% as representatives from PPI claims companies descend like a plague to secure his business.
Financial shitehawk and head of ClaimsBastards.com, Quentin Barse has this to say,
“We’d all heard rumours that this person exists. But we all thought it was financial myth. Like Sir Philip Green’s remorse. We shall however see if we can squeeze any money out of him before we all dissolve in a pit of our own acidic jizz .”
We tried to contact Mr Colinson for an interview, but his caravan is under siege and he has constructed several devious but deadly traps to keep the rabid claimsmen at bay.
He managed to get a statement out via a carrier pigeon though,
“I have no idea how this has happened. I can only assume that bastard McTavish from two islands away is getting revenge for me pissing in his Irn Bru.
But I wish it to be known that I have never had PPI, as I have lived in a caravan for forty years. Never ventured to the mainland, never had an internet account, bank account, mortgage, phone, car. Anything. Ever.”
The assembled throng then chanted; “But the financial regulator has put a deadline on claims, he might be owed thousands of pounds and not know it”, before fading into nothingness as their pointless task was ended.
