The Good Friday agreement of 1998 has been replaced by the Stupid Friday Agreement of 2017.

Prime Minister Theresa Mayhem has asked Northern Irish Democratic Unionist Party to help form a strong and stable government.

The end result sees not a coalition government but a ‘confidence and supply’ deal. This means the DUP MPs are not in an official coalition, but are able to choose policy to support.

“It’s a fantastic deal for us” said Arlene Foster, DUP Leader. When asked how the meeting went, Mrs Foster said

“Before I even sat down Mrs May was on her knees, arms wrapped around my waist and shrieking “Oh God! Please, please help me, I’ll do anything” 5 minutes later it was done. We’re not stuck in a coalition, so we can pick and choose what we want to support and the Tories are buggered if we decide not to. Effectively, Mrs May agreed to let us politically blackmail her. We even made her sign the paper using ink mixed with her own tears; it was hilarious.”

There are worries that the Troubles, a not so distant memory for the citizens of Northern Ireland and the rest of the UK, may break out again as a result of the loyalist and ultra-protestant party joining the UK government. Although the deal is not in violation of any Good Friday Agreement provisions, it is an uncomfortable situation for all sides.
The Herald asked the DUP opponent party, Sinn Fein, to give a statement on their feelings on the situation we were told:

“Mind your own Fucking business you Tan Bastards.”

The Herald then spoke to a DUP spokesperson, who said “It’s an exciting time for us in the DUP and by extension our boys in the Ulster Defence Association who are getting their balaclavas out of the attic and blowing the dust off the old Kalashnikovs.

We’re really looking forward to exploiting our position domestically and also assisting the Conservatives in a campaign for a proper, good deal or no deal, Hard Brexit.”

“By the way, don’t worry about the guns, we’re not in the business of shooting kneecaps anymore; from now on we’re only interested in shooting ourselves in the foot.”

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.