UKIP party leader, former archbishop of Canterbury, Duke of Edinburgh in Waiting and Huddersfield Town striker, Paul Nuttall has been named as the captain of the UK’s waterboarding team for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.
The surprise appointment comes only hours after Nuttall publicly advocated the use of waterboarding in the interrogation of terrorism suspects.
“We were surprised and delighted to learn that Paul is taking an interest in waterboarding and had no hesitation in naming him as team captain for 2020,” said Team GB spokesperson Norman Cholmondley-Partington.
“His high public profile as the world’s oldest man and his day job mouthing absolute bollocks about everything on the BBC should help raise the profile of the sport no end,” he added.
However the appointment has been met with criticism in some quarters with many questioning whether Nutjob has any relevant experience and whether he isn’t just talking out of his wet end.
“Ignorant people are suggesting that I have little or no experience of watersports – but I’m mates with Nigel Farage who’s mates with Donald Trump,” said Nuttkins, pointing out that anyone who suggested Trump has no experience of watersports has to be taking the piss. “Just like Donald, we aim to be showered in gold in Tokyo, so nah nah nah,” sneered Nuttall.
Speaking to the Rochdale Herald on condition of anonymity and wearing a particularly sinister “Eyes Wide Shut” mask, a senior official from the security services pointed out that they actually didn’t have any need to use torture to get information on potential terrorists because all the people responsible for the recent attacks were already known to the police, having been reported repeatedly for their extremist views.
“One of them even flew an ISIS flag above his house FFS, and another strolled round London for two weeks with a flashing light on his head, carrying a huge sign saying “I AM A TERRORIST” and honking a huge horn, and managed not to get arrested,” he complained.
“We’ve lost over 20,000 police officers since Theresa May became home secretary in 2010, including most of the community Police officers who gathered local intelligence and many of the armed response officers who are supposed to respond to incidents,” he said.
“In three counties the police force has been reduced to a single cardboard cut out of a beat bobby with a web cam and a sign warning that big brother would have been watching you 24/7 but due to cuts we are now operating a reduced 3 day a week service.”
“Predictably, all three cameras have been stolen, and we don’t have anyone left to report the thefts to…” he wept.