So called ‘Islamic State’  have claimed responsibility for supermarket self service checkouts.

A statement released by ISIS said they came up with the idea after witnessing a man have a melt down with a vending machine in 1995. The man is thought to have tried to buy a bag of scampi and lemon flavoured Nik Naks. The bag became stuck so the man had to ask for help from the vending company. During this time the man became so angry he threw the machine out of the window causing serious damage to a road and narrowly missing pedestrians.

The statement from ISIS points out that the psychological damage checkout users undergo when asked to check the bagging area for the 20th time is greater than any weapon ever devised. The Herald visited a supermarket to test this theory and found it to be true. In one 10 minute period 2 people had slit their wrists and one had headbutted the touchscreen so hard he needed urgent medical treatment.

Supermarket checkouts are not the only weapon in the ISIS arsenal. One man who didn’t want to be named told the Herald how he had gone on an armed rampage after a parking meter refused his new £5 note then all his new £1 coins.

In another twist the statement claimed that Southern Rail had sought management consultancy services from an ISIS consultancy. The consultancy has been advising Southern on customer relations for the last 4 years. It’s understood that their latest plan is to get Southern to replace all their station ticket machines with self service machines that will reject passengers debit cards then refuse to accept any coins that are legal tender.

If this doesn’t cause passengers to start slashing their wrists a barrier that refuses to recognise tickets will surely work.