Mouse manufacturers are celebrating at the moment at the future increase in sales caused by Facebook’s determined but ultimately futile attempt to make you use the ’Top Stories’ feature of their increasingly rubbish social media platform.

Mickey Rodent from Independant Mouse Retailers International Cash House (IMRICH) told us that “Due to everybody who isn’t a complete passive numpty having to reset their Facebook back to ‘Most Recent’ every three seconds we reckon our sales of replacement mice will go through the roof. I was sick of waiting for the bastards to wear down but now they’ll be used up in no time. Want a sip of this champaign?”

Meanwhile, passive numpties who are quite happy seeing the same old shite mixed in with adverts based on information they didn’t even realise they were giving away drooled on obliviously, their dull, lifeless eyes moving up and down in time with their scrolling.

Rob Yedayter from Facebook told the Herald that the changes were a reflection of what facebook users actually want, despite everybody with an IQ greater than that of a boiled bag of slugs constantly re-clicking onto ‘Most Recent.’

“People love seeing adverts and the posts that we’ve decide that they should see,” he assured us, “It’s not like we’ve received several warnings for deliberately fucking with what people see, is it? We did a totally scientific bit of research where we asked users if certain items are the kind of thing they want to see more of. Sure we totally cherry-picked what we asked questions about but statistics don’t lie!”

Facebook user Noel Ife told us that he no longer got posts from his girlfriend in his newsfeed but he did know an awful lot about which high street stores were having sales at the moment.

It’s assumed that Facebook will eventually get rid of most recent stories altogether and just replace it with ‘Look At These, You Gullible Farts.’

When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.