Inter galactic alcoholic drinks giant JoJo – Diageo is to close all of its Scotch Whisky distilleries in Scotland and move production to Romania, the company announced Friday.
The company, generally referred to by it’s traditional Scottish clan name of “Diageo”, confirmed that the move had been prompted by the expectation that the UK will leave the EU in 2019 without a trade deal which will result in its whisky exports to EU countries being subject to import duties of anything up to 550%, the rate currently charged by India.
“Even if there is a deal we don’t anticipate that duties will be removed altogether so we decided to cut to the chase and move to Romania” said company spokesman Vladimir Impalio.
“It’s not as if anyone actually cares where the stuff is made as long as it comes in a fancy bottle and gets you off your box,” he said.
“Except of course “the seps”, but they elected Trump as president, so frankly a couple of kilts and some bagpipes on the label should be enough to convince them. They’ll never notice the difference,” he added.
Quizzed on whether manufacturing whisky in Romania might not risk losing some of the light floral aromas and peaty high notes of a good Scottish single malt the spokesman was dismissive.
“Anyone who thinks The Highlands has a monopoly on clear mountain springs hasn’t been to the Carpathian Alps. And exactly how much barley do you think grows on Islay or Jura,” he said.
“Romania has both in spades, plus cheap labour, cheap energy and exciting opportunities for entirely new flavours and marketing strategies,” he said pointing to a pile of blood red beetroot.
“Count Dracula, the Malt from the Transilvisker distillery?…I wouldn’t rule it out,” he winked.
