President Donald J Trump is convinced that ‘something bigly bad’ has gone down in Sweden, after a dining table he ordered from IKEA arrived ‘pre-exploded, all in bits’.

The billionaire had ordered the ‘top of the range’ luxury dining table after his wife complained that the old one was too small. He was horrified when it arrived in pieces having ‘obviously been caught in a huge explosion’.

“Swedenmark is one of our biglyest allies and bad, bad things are happening there with millions and millions of Islamuslimist terrorists arriving every day and blowing things up…”, said President Trump.

He has ordered FBI and CIA forensic experts to try to re-assemble the table to find out exactly what happened to it. However, they had to give up after several hours of hard work. “There were two small but essential screws missing and one of the table legs was put on upside down and we just can’t be arsed to take it off again…”, said one anonymous expert. “…frankly, talking to dead people is easier than assembling this stuff. If anyone out there has parts D9 or F11, please let us know.”

Sweden is somewhere in Europe.

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