There was more great news for commuters across the Southeast after Trading Standards and the Advertising Standards authority waded in on the long running Southern Trains dispute.

The train “operator” has been busily rowing with conductors, drivers and passengers since the dawn of civilisation over important issues such as whether or not doors will open to let commuters on and off trains and the price of a KitKat from the buffet trolley.

“So few commuters have actually gone to work on a Southern Trains train in the last couple of years,” a representative from the ASA told us, “that it’s pretty unreasonable that they be allowed to describe themselves as a train operator anymore.”

New names proposed by trading standards included Southern Waits, Southern Sick Day, Southern Work From Home and Southern You May As Well Have Stayed In Bed.

A spokesman for whichever Union it is that is intent on destroying the last of the morale of commuters who live in Brighton said;

“Southern Replacement Bus Service drivers have to open their own doors? That’s a disgrace. Next you’ll be telling me each bus doesn’t have their own Blakey. We should get them to strike too!”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.