According to a press release from the Federated Institution of Associated School Careers Officers, the Brexit Plan simplifies future British employment opportunities to sex work and fruit picking.
A spokesman explained the advantages for parents. “If your kids’ options are curtailed, it follows that you will no longer have to move house to be near a good school, ferry kids to tedious extra-curricular activities in order to pad out their CVs, or attend those bloody awful parent teacher conferences that, frankly, we all find such a massive pain in the arse.”
“Aspiration towards an unattainable social mobility has been a huge educational experiment that has failed,” he concluded. “With Brexit it’s win-win all round as far as I can see.”
The Conservative and Unionist National Teachers Society were also upbeat about the announcement. “Training kids for the new career streams is going to be so much easier for us. We are going to enlist the glamour of David Jason and Catherine Zeta Jones by showing a DVD box set of ‘The Darling Buds of May’ to the fruit picking candidates. For the sex technicians we’ll splice together selected cuts from ‘Entrapment’.”
“Of course, some subjects are equally relevant to both streams; like the module on commercial plum handling,” they added.
When challenged on the seasonal limitations in the fruit-picking business for long term career development, the representative explained:
“That’s the beauty of the new system, flexibility and choice. During the summer months harvesters can be out in the fresh air, living in tents or temporary dormitories, literally reaping the rewards of a minimum wage exemption, and enjoying a fantasy cockney summer holiday from the 1940’s. Then in the winter months they can either sit in front of the TV, watching ‘Homes Under the Hammer’ and similar documentaries about how their landlord got so rich, or they can lube up and hit the streets to work their passage.”
A government spokesman for the Department for Education said that the new slogan for the initiative will be “The Brexit Plan may not be best laid, but your children are.”
