Following Donald Trump’s election, the entire population of Earth has completely forgotten how to use the word ‘liberal’.
Despite the word meaning someone who is open minded and willing to listen to opposing ideologies, it has somehow become associated with protest heavy, left wing extremists.
The fact that a genuinely liberal minded person would be less than likely to protest seems to be a side issue as the conservative media look for a way of grouping the fragmented left together.
Given that the left wing are increasingly more interested in splitting into minute factions that only look after certain demographics, finding a collective term to trivialise alternative ideologies has been a tough task.
“We used to call them Commies” explained Alan Manson of the American Press Association.
“The Cold War isn’t really as relevant any more so that put an end to that. We were looking out for a new way we can belittle people for not following the political grain. Then came the eureka moment where we decided that if we tarred the middle ground with the same brush as the left we can push more people towards ultra-conservatism.”
“To be fair, we stole the idea from them really. There were a few lefties wanting to appear more moderate and labelled themselves as ‘liberal’, so we thought we’d join in. If they wanted to be called that, why shouldn’t we humour them? That’s where we draw the line though. I’m not willing to acquiesce to someone not relating to the gender they were born into. No sir!”
Manson went on to explain that since many left wing groups rely on detestable self-interest and totalitarianism as much as the right do, it was integral not to single any particular one out.
“Being able to polarise opinion is a fundamental part of our role in society. We need the militant left as much as the militant right. That way we can set them off against each other, pointing fingers as to who’s responsible for society’s woes and taking the spotlight off our financiers who are really the ones holding you all back”
“I even saw someone describe a placard holder as ‘aggressively liberal’. It was ludicrous. We have a Statue of Liberty for Christ’s sake, we sing about being ‘The Land of the Free’, yet somehow we’ve got away with making ‘liberal’ a dirty word.”