With todays news that the Calais Jungle has been cleared of filthy asylum seekers, the ramshackle dwellings have immediately been occupied by an even more dreadful people with beards called ‘Noddlers’.

These horrific trend setters, formerly known as ‘Hipsters’ have been driven from their native home in the east end of London by falling house prices and an influx of people who work in non-artistic fields.

With their knowledge of their credit score they were immediately able to find other suitably distressed accommodation in Calais, monetise it and brand it as ‘London East’.

The level 5 Beardmaster and Wheat Juice Bar supremo, known only as Ng, was first to see the potential of the camp. Within minutes he opened a new Quinoa Smoothie Experience boutique in the camp, for which he was awarded a highly pretentious 9 stars by ‘Ironic Foodie’ magazine.

He said ‘it’s what I was going for, but after that success I may knock it through and open a Coconut Paté brasserie this afternoon.’

Estate agents are already frothing at the crotch at the thought of all the Migrant Chic minimalist accommodation available, only an hour’s Eurostar ride from Euston.