A scheme launched in 2012 by Cameron’s government as a response to the 2011 riots has been an unmitigated failure, according to a report released today.
The Troubled Families Programme, which used the age old tactic of blaming anything that ever goes wrong in society on poor people not necessarily living in a nuclear family as proscribed, originally had a budget of 448 million pounds and had another 900 million added onto that when it was later extended.
“The 1348 million pound programme has had no measurable effect on school attendance, employment or behaviour,” said the national Institute of Economic and Social Research, “The very things it was designed to address. It was a perfect case study of how politicians and civil servants misrepresent statistics and waste huge amounts of public money that could have been doing some actual good.”
The government responded by saying, “Er, no. Actually it was successful and helped load of families. Loads of them. Shitloads.”
To which the National Institute of Economic and Social Research said, “No, it didn’t; show us some evidence.”
“We believe this programme has transformed the lives of thousands of families,” responded the government.
“Why did you try and suppress this report then?” asked Newsnight.
“Shut up, BBC, or we’ll cut you!”
“Listen, we looked at the figures and there’s absolutely naff all to suggest that it worth 50 pence let alone 1.4 fucking billion,” pointed out The National Institute of Economic and Social Research, “What metric are using to measure this success you’re going on about?”
“We believe this programme has transformed the lives of thousands of families,” said the government, “And no think tank can change that with mere facts.”
“What do you mean by believe? What the flying fuck does belief have to with it?,” asked The National Institute of Economic and Social Research, “You could believe that your farts cure cancer if you really wanted to but it wouldn’t make it a fucking fact!”
“We will not turn our backs on these families as we build a Britain that works for everybody and not just the privileged few.” The government added.
“What? What has that even got to do with it? We’re saying it hasn’t worked, not that you should turn your back on anyone,” the National Institute of Economic and Social Research asked, “.Is that Lord Bourne? Is that an fucking actual Lord talking about not working just for the privileged?”
“No. Yes. Maybe. Look at that squirrel!” replied the government; adding: “It did work.”
