Today the Rochdale Herald is delighted to bring you our exclusive interview with Kumbuka the gorilla who briefly escaped from London Zoo this week.
RH: Good morning, Kumbuka.
Kumbuka: Whatcha. Listen, I need to correct you there. I didn’t escape from the zoo. I merely got into the keeper’s area.
RH: Ah, so the story of you breaking through a window is..?
Kumbuka: Utter tosh. It’s speciest bollocks to be frank. The guy who said I was a fucking psycho who regularly breaks the window was speaking through his hairless pink arse.
RH: So the Buzzfeed article was..?
Kumbuka: It was a frigging Buzzfeed article! Listen, I read the odd distraction piece on their website- who doesn’t? – but it’s bloody Buzzfeed! It’s not highbrow reportage, it’s clickbait and lists of things you shove up your nostrils!
RH: Quite. So you don’t agree that you’re a dangerous animal then.
Kumbuka: Only in the bedroom, mate! Wha-hey! Come on, think about it: a species that has nuclear weapons and regularly slaughters both its own kind and everything else calling a lowland gorilla dangerous? Get a fucking clue, son; get a fucking clue.
RH: So what exactly did happen?
Kumbuka: Well, I am still a prisoner so obviously I can’t just overrule my captors. You’re going to have to wait for the results of the investigation.
RH: Fair enough. Moving on, what’s your opinion on Trump?
Kumbuka: I am concerned to be honest. I have a daughter and I am offended by his animalistic misogyny. Again, I say look at your own species before calling mine dangerous.
RH: Kumbuka, thanks for talking to us.
Kumbuka: No problem, thanks for the proper bananas. The one’s in here are never properly ripe.
Kumbuka appears courtesy of London Zoo: