Today the Rochdale Herald is delighted to bring you our exclusive interview with Kumbuka the gorilla who briefly escaped from London Zoo this week.

RH: Good morning, Kumbuka.

Kumbuka: Whatcha. Listen, I need to correct you there. I didn’t escape from the zoo. I merely got into the keeper’s area.

RH: Ah, so the story of you breaking through a window is..?

Kumbuka: Utter tosh. It’s speciest bollocks to be frank. The guy who said I was a fucking psycho who regularly breaks the window was speaking through his hairless pink arse.

RH: So the Buzzfeed article was..?

Kumbuka: It was a frigging Buzzfeed article! Listen, I read the odd distraction piece on their website- who doesn’t? – but it’s bloody Buzzfeed! It’s not highbrow reportage, it’s clickbait and lists of things you shove up your nostrils!

RH: Quite. So you don’t agree that you’re a dangerous animal then.

Kumbuka: Only in the bedroom, mate! Wha-hey! Come on, think about it: a species that has nuclear weapons and regularly slaughters both its own kind and everything else calling a lowland gorilla dangerous? Get a fucking clue, son; get a fucking clue.

RH: So what exactly did happen?

Kumbuka: Well, I am still a prisoner so obviously I can’t just overrule my captors. You’re going to have to wait for the results of the investigation.

RH: Fair enough. Moving on, what’s your opinion on Trump?

Kumbuka: I am concerned to be honest. I have a daughter and I am offended by his animalistic misogyny. Again, I say look at your own species before calling mine dangerous.

RH: Kumbuka, thanks for talking to us.

Kumbuka: No problem, thanks for the proper bananas. The one’s in here are never properly ripe.

Kumbuka appears courtesy of London Zoo: