Nicola Sturgeon will today claim that “Godless English Imperial filth” are using Brexit as a “licence for xenophobia” and that the English “are secretly working to not be considered Wankers by absolutely everyone.”

She has pledged to build a cross-party coalition to “purge the English” from God’s clean Earth.

The First Minister will use her opening address to the SNP conference in Glasgow this morning to argue that the English are attempting to hijack Brexit and is using the vote to promote a hostility to foreigners “that has long lain under the surface.”

She will claim they are to blame not just for Brexit but are part of a secret Global conspiracy to control financial markets and pursue an agenda of “Anglicising” the free peoples of the Celtic world. Her plans would see the UK clamp down on the free movement of English and a complete ban on the ownership of property, particularly books.

Leave voters, she will continue, are all racists and should be forced to be publically identified when out in public places. A Free Peoples Government should have carte blanche to “throw Boris Johnson, Liam Fox and David Davis out of a window”.

But the First Minister is expected to come under fierce pressure from her rank-and-file members to blame the English for far more. For many, just claiming that the English are Xenophobic does not go far enough in demonstrating how hated the English are. The piss-poor performance of Celtic in Europe and Rangers going bankrupt are also key targets for being pinned on the English. They also want her to set out a clear timescale for a second independence referendum despite Brent Crude being worth less than a box of old newspapers for recycling.

Ms Sturgeon’s stance on the English puts her on a collision course with Mrs May after claiming that the Conservative conference displayed an intolerance towards foreigners that was a “disgrace” and “shames the Tory party and all who speak for it” by not inviting Ms Sturgeon to make the Keynote address. “But make no mistake” she continued – “the English now control most of England and are seeking to hijack the referendum result to push for not being considered utter wankers across the whole of Scotland” she said.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.