Archivists who until recently worked for the TV production Carlton have uncovered a gag reel featuring Roy Walker’s real responses to the utter dingbats who featured on the Catchphrase show.
“My team and I were sceptical that the charming, Irish, smile on legs could really be that patient,” said Gordon Bennett, “and after weeks of digging we found the thousands of out-takes.”
The 500 hours of footage include, in response to a contestant answering ‘The face of squares is a jellyfish button?’, a visibly infuriated Walker shouting “What the feck? That’s not even a phrase, ya fecking fartwit! It’s ‘Over the feckin moon, ya thick c***! Are ye feckin soft, or what?”
Rumours have been circulating ever since the loveable yet rubbish comedian retired from the worn-out quiz show, yet the tapes had remained elusive until now.
A spokesbot for Carlton told us:
“These tapes don’t exist. Despite it being intuitively believable that Roy would tire of stupid people constantly not having the wit to figure out puzzles that wouldn’t vex a ten-year-old, it’s not true. Roy never called one woman a shite-witted arsehead.
“Nor did he throw his podium at a contestant who couldn’t get ‘Play it again, Sam’ from a picture of a man with a neon arrow indicating he is Sam putting a CD with ‘It’ written on it repeatedly! It’s all lies.”
Mr Bennett insisted that the tapes do exist.
We think they do too.
Those people were frigging idiots.