Not a Grindr profile picture as some cynics suggested

Labour MP Keith Vaz, who recently quit as Chair of the Home Affairs Select Committee is claimed to have claimed that there was nothing seedy, duplicitous, underhand, hypocritical or indeed sexual about his reported threesome(s) with a pair of Eastern European rent boys, some class A drugs and enough poppers to loosen even the tightest of anuses.

Poppers – the ‘room odouriser’ that also relaxes the sphincter

Vaz, who was heading the powerful parliamentary group currently probing the use of prostitutes and hard drugs by the common or garden electorate is reported to have said ‘we needed to get this party started’, adding ‘we were getting nowhere looking at transcripts and speaking to experts and people involved in this awfully sordid world so, in the interests of this great country, I decided to put myself in the firing line, so to speak’.

How the research subjects may have looked

Keith may have told our sources ‘I contacted a couple of hot looking chaps who were willing to give me a lengthy spitroasting in return for an amount of money that is quite frankly a drop in the ocean compared to the expenses I’m allowed to claim (but it is a lot where they come from) and asked if they wanted to help me with some research into the wicked underbelly of sex and drugs that the filthy degenerate proles indulge in on a daily basis’. It is suggested that the dogged Parliamentarian even stretched himself to two or more polyamorous liaisons in the pursuit of advising the populus how best to conduct themselves in their personal lives.

How the flakey snow dust may have looked

One of the sexy young chaps involved allegedly insisted that some high grade cocaine be included as part of the transactions and heroic patriot Keith (who only wanted to do right by his country) wasted no time in ordering up some top quality nose candy for the gigolos to hoover up their snouts in preparation for the backdoor shenanigans that were to follow – there is no suggestion the MP did this for anything other than honourable, investigative purposes, or that he snorted a single crumb of the Devil’s Dandruff.

Keith’s lovely wife had no idea of the lengths her husband was taking to protect the public

We have been informed that the married father of two confided to close friends ‘I had to stand down because of the ridiculous accusations that I performed these tasks for anything other than the greater good of the UK and that I did them to satisfy my own personal proclivities. I gained a valuable perspective into this terrible subculture through my extensive and selfless endeavours. Do you mind if I sit down? My nipsy is shot to bits. The only regret I have in this whole saga is that they forgot the condoms – I had to fuck them without the condoms’.

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