Hypochondriacs around the UK were said to be giddy with the excitement at the prospect of a new NHS website that will encourage them to diagnose themselves using their smartphones.

Barbara Dickinson of Rochdale said;

“I’ve been doing this for years. If it’s been on House, I’ve had it. My Lupus has been playing up all week.”

The website will be designed to triage patients in an effort to reduce pressure on local GP’s.

The website will ask a series of questions and use a sophisticated algorithm before telling people “relax mate, you don’t have lupus.”

Questions may include;

  • Can you see your toes?
  • Have you been outside today?”
  • When was the last time you ate something that didn’t come in a packet?
  • Name a fruit.