In a miraculous change of heart Rochdale Online has decided to give the suspended MP Simon Danczuk a break. Editor Sandra Simonhater said “He did nowt wrong today” instead opting to report on Rochdale local Edith Schentalowitz’s lost cat.

“I couldn’t believe it” said Trevor Smith, a regular reader “I excitedly opened the site waiting for my Danczuk fix and there was nothing there, just some shite about an auld birds pussy. Last week they said he didn’t wash his hands after having a piss and yesterday they said he only gave a homeless person £2. The mans a twat”

Roaming reporter Geraldine Synth arrived on her Segway to give us some tantalising news however “Don’t say out cos I’ll get sacked” she said “but I’ve just seen him putting a second class stamp on an envelope. Tomorrow’s headline is going to be huge”.