Southern Rail execs are busy trying to figure out how to blame unions for one of their trains falling to bits on its way to London.

A ceiling panel fell off as the train chugged along on its late way, striking two passengers.

“Er, right,” said a spokesman for the company that claims to be reinvesting its extortion in the fleet of trains and general infrastructure, ” It’s probably not our fault. Somehow. Can I get back to you? Only I am late after trying to get a train.”

It transpired that there were also no first aid trained staff on-board.

“Oh I can explain that,” said the spokesperson, “We weren’t expecting the train to go fast enough to crash. It’s not like people are likely to need first aid on a packed train on asweltering hot day if there’s no crash… I think I better shut up now.”

Passengers were nonchalant. “To be honest I have given up,” said one, “I don’t doubt that Southern Rail could shoot random passengers and get away with it. Remember that day I got to work on time? No. I don’t either.”

A government spokesperson said something about Labour taking us back to the chaos of nationalised railways. To tell you the truth we weren’t listening. An hour on a Southern Rail train had sapped our will to live.