Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she won’t intervene in David Cameron’s scheme to reward all his mates with Honours.
“Listen here,” said an anonymous Number 10 spokesperson, “These things are decided by a totally independent body made up of people like Lord Spicer, Lord Butler and ex-Speaker of the House of Lords Baroness Hayman; you know: people previously rewarded by the system they’re supposed to be judging! Like how much bloody fairer could it be?”
Some are astounded that the Honours list seems to be rewarding people who’ve sucked Dave off- metaphorically speaking- as if it was ever any different.
Deputy Labour leader Tom Watson said the truth was evident: “It is what it is. It’s cronyism. Theresa May has the ability to stop it, and she should do so.”
Whilst Sir Desmond Swayne, who was knighted for political service in this year’s New Year Honours list, said it represented David Cameron’s six years as top posh git.
“The reason we have a resignation honours list is because over a period of government, particularly difficult government in a coalition, a prime minister has to cajole and get the support of a number people and he builds up a debt of honour.
“I think that frankly an honours list is a relatively light way of paying it off. I think we get far too excited about these things. It would set a dangerous precedent to piss on Cameron’s bonfire now as then Theresa wouldn’t have anything to promise people with money they might be able to give her! Oh shit, I’ve just admitted it is all a bag of shite haven’t I? Oh well, good job old Porky knighted me last time then!”
